John Carter of Virginia

Last night was an interesting night.  Was invited to an early screening of John Carter and decided to go since I had been hearing good things about the film.  I was excited to see the film since I had liked many of the live action Disney films (Pirates of the Caribbean, Tron) and was ready for a fun adventure.

Did I love the film? No.

Review of film after jump.

This could have been a film that really worked for me.  It had all the ingredients for a fun movie; a passionate director, a good cast and a classic story as a jumping off point. 

It’s a simple story. It centers on a former American Civil War Confederate Army captain who is mysteriously transported to Mars, which is known to its inhabitants as Barsoom. Once there, he meets alien races, a princess and several bad guys. 

What’s wrong with the story?  For starters, it makes no sense.  John Carter awakens on Mars and begins jumping (rather high) and doesn’t seem too surprised by this new development.  The kids in the audience were laughing and eating up this scene but it wasn’t set up well. The effects were great but we never see the surprise or wonderment of what would be a really mind boggling situation.  Instead, our main man is really just frustrated that he keeps hitting the ground, hard.  Kids would love this scene.  Most adults would probably question why he isn’t more alarmed or concerned. 

Next, he meets up with the Tharks, a nomadic tribe of Green Martians, as the planet's warlike, extra-limbed, green-skinned inhabitants are known.  The alien effects were great and done very well.  Many of the beginning scenes display interaction between John and the main Thark, Tars Tarkas.  There were many scenes of these two interacting that felt kind of flat.  During these scenes, we are taken to the city of Helium and meet Dejah Thoris, Princess of Helium.  I will say she is one of the better characters in the film.  The actress really tried to breathe life in a very minimal screenplay.  The princess is promised to be married to our bad guy so the bad guy won’t destroy the city.  I have no idea why the bad guy is bent on destroying the planet.  It’s never explained.  The bad guy was given this source of power which acts like a green lantern energy field and just destroys shit.  Who gave him this power?  It’s bestowed by some bald guy who seems to know a lot but does really stupid stuff during the entire film.

The princess escapes on a ship and our main non bad guy is after her.  Hijinks ensue and they meet up with the Tharks and John Carter.  John decides to try and destroy the ships and I still have no idea why since he was so hell bent on not helping anyone for the first scenes of the film.  Again, most of the movie makes no sense.

The princess is rescued by John and they are held prisoner by the Tharks. There is a moment in the film where John is given some kind of fluid and then he is able to understand the aliens and they can understand him.  Never explained why this happened and John again seemed unconcerned by all this.

The rest of the movie plays out exactly how you would expect.  The Princess really doesn’t want to get married and then is forced to marry the bad guy to save her kingdom.  I stress again, we have no information why all this is important to the story.  We are meant to go along for the ride and just accept what’s happening.  During many of the dialogue scenes in the movie, I heard laughter from the adults in the audience in scenes that were not intended to be funny.  No joke. 

Without ruining the last third of the movie, it plays out exactly as expected and the expected opening for a sequel.  This is Disney after all, they like their sequels.

What works? 

• The Princess.  The actress really tried to bring a bit of that Princess Leia sass to the role and she did a good job.  Unfortunately, the story really didn’t allow her much in the form of comedy or depth.
• The alien effects were great. 
• The voice actors for the aliens did a good job.
• The visual effects were great.  There were very few actions scenes in the movie but they were filmed well.  This movie needed to extend those action scenes to give it that classic sci-fi feel.  Other than the ending, all the action was on screen very quick sporadic.
• The costumes.

What doesn’t work?

• The story.  I still have no idea what our good guys were trying to stop or protect or accomplish.  No idea why the bad guy was bent on destroying the planet.  Who were the bald guys?  So many things were needed for us to understand why we needed to care.  In Star Wars, you know there is a rebellion against some bad guys and such.  In this one, we are never clued in to what’s happening on the planet before John arrives.
• The editing.  The film was too long.  There were many moments of dialogue that were unnecessary and many action scenes that should have been longer.
• Taylor Kitsch.  God, he looks good in a harness.  However, he didn’t bring any charm or personality to this role.  He seemed very generic with the role. 

Kids will love this movie.  Adults should take with a grain of salt.  If you cut your brain off for a bit, you might enjoy the ride.